Monday, 7 March 2011

Worst meal in Kazakhstan and possibly the world

We had a leaving party on Saturday night which was a classic expat rite of passage. Tons of people, some good friends, some total strangers and quite a lot of booze. Leaving dos are ten-a-penny in our line of lifestyle, and if I were a more sensible and restrained kind of character, I would have probably taken it easy and paced myself. Not being such a character, I had much too much to drink and stayed up at least one hour later than is ever sensible with four children under 10 to look after the next day. But that done, Sunday dawned (literally!) and the hell that is a "hungover weekend day" began pretty darn early.

My husband never gets hangovers and had also been allowed a lie-in on account of having jet lag from Moscow, so he was in pretty good shape. I also largely got away with my behaviour of the previous night and was genuinely not feeling too bad during the morning, but as lunch time approached and we all started to get hungry, there wasn't really anything in the fridge that looked appetising, and so we decided to head to our local Japanese restaurant for a bento box lunch for six!

Planeta Sushi happens to be the closest restaurant to our house, because we live kind of in the business district. The restaurant is never brilliant, but during the week, it puts on a tolerable attempt and so we decided to give it a shot (anything really was better than staying at home).

Two hours later, I and the girls left the restaurant while my husband, using his recently, greatly-improved Russian language skills, enlightened the manager about why we had just suffered, and I quote, "The worst meal we have ever eaten in Kazakhstan, and indeed, possibly the world".

"Za chem? (why?)", asked the manager, surely as a result of training to ask this question in the face of negative feedback and not out of surprise, since I cannot believe that they have not had complaints before.

Husband then listed the various failings of the meal. What do you think? Should we have left a larger tip? ha ha ha

Arrived at the restaurant and were seated by a pleasant-looking waitress. We hung our own coats up.
Sat at a table which was not clean. Waitress brought a quite dirty baby chair for the one-year-old. But wiped it, so it was presentable.

Then we ordered two pots of tea, some water and two rolls of sushi, explaining that our kids were hungry so we needed that as soon as they could manage it, and we would order the rest of our meal later after we had time to look through the menu.

Then were informed that bento boxes (the entire reason for going there) are not served on Sundays.

The Jasmine and Green teas arrive in large metal "builders tea" pots with white tea cups, and not the Japaanese tea pots and china cups which change the taste and experience of the tea totally. We asked to have proper tea in the correct serving devices. They took the tea away, sat it on the counter for quite a long while and then transferred the now-stewed tea into the normal Japanese-style tea pots and re-served it to us at approximately 40 degrees below boiling point.

We ordered the rest of our meal.

It took one sushi chef in a restaurant with three other customers 40 minutes to make us two sushi rolls. The sushi came, and was actually quite good, although the wasabi was like green paste and not spicy at all.

It then took a further 40 minutes to bring the rest of our order. When it arrived, the steamed rice was cold and hard, the salad was rotten (black edges on the lettuce leaves, large areas of slime on all greenery), the noodle/eat rolls we had asked for were also cold. Miso soup - also cold but we were glad it was not served in a pasta bowl or metal tea pot. It came in the right black soup bowl.

We sent the salad back as rubbish and asked for some hot rice to be brought. Meanwhile, we ate what we could. The noodle and meat rolls were the most bizarrely non-japanese tasting items ever encountered - kind of like soft bolognese and noodle spring rolls, but which, after being microwaved back to a heated state, looked like hot poos in condoms and were completely disgusting.

In the absence of hot rice appearing, we all ate what we could of the cold hard rice, asked for the bill and left.

It was such a long-winded and crap eating experience. We knew that complaining would make absolutely no difference to anything, and it was a timely reminder of some of the less appealing sides to living in a developing country that is so recently out of the grip of the soviet system. There is barely any competition for Japanese restaurants, and like so many concessions in the city of Almaty, the business owners don't seem to care about the quality of their chains once they are open and established. The staff are badly trained, poorly paid and lack any sense of good service (having never experienced it themselves, or been taught to provide it). How can you get things like tea and rice so wrong? They are so easy to do correctly!

Anyway, we cheered ourselves up with a trip to Marrone Rosso for a round of hot chocolates. What a beacon of excellence this cafe is in Almaty and how glad we are that Michael and Sigal have managed to open another Marrone Rosso cafe up at the newly-improved Chimbulak ski resort so we can enjoy perfect lattes and the greatest hot chocolates when we go there too.


  1. And suddenly I'm reliving the whole chicken sushi worst meal I had and thinking you still probably win...

  2. They live long in the memory, don't they?!

  3. Sounds remarkably Eastern European...

    How are you doing? Can't believe your Number 4 is one. How did that time go so fast?

  4. Gawd, reminds me of my hungover sushi from the restaurant seconds from our house which resulted in a 24-hour vomit-athon. Best of luck with the packing (and I hear the sushi is excellent in Russia!)

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